WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
