I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
