He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Randomize
