My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
