youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
