You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
