he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
soo... how was my night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
