at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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