I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
