My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
