I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
