please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
