I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
