I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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