She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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