i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
