We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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