Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize