Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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