How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
either way he was missing a nipple.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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