So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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