The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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