Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
