the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
