sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
