After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
