And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
