my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
