I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
