I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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