He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
