I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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