I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
