Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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