I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
