So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
