My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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