I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
