matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
