I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
