i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
