so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You can't special order awesome
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We are two peas in an std pod
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
