i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
