I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
