You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
