Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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