My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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