Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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