i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
