the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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