Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
