mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
