i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
