I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize